HELP! WE CAN’T COMMUNICATE

Couples & Marriage Communication
Calgary Counselling

Couples can find themselves avoiding each other or in conflict more often than desired. They start to avoid topics of conversation to not get into yet another argument, but then the frustrations build up until another fight ensues over the smallest of things.

They wonder: “How did we get here? Where did all the love go? Why can’t we resolve our issues?” There is no one answer. Each couple has its own dynamic and its own history.

Here are 5 reasons couples get into arguments that go on and on without resolve.

1. PERSONALITY CLASHES

We are attracted to a partner with whom we share common interests and who also has different personality traits. At first the differences are at best enjoyable and at worst only slightly annoying. We believe in the beauty of the relationship and let frustrations go, but as time progresses annoyances grow until we start voicing them.

We try to be heard but often get met with defensiveness. So, we crank up the volume. They respond in kind or withdraw. In the end neither gets heard. We begin to criticize and maybe even attack our partner’s character.

“A couple’s happiness
depends upon the ability
to resolve conflict
on an ongoing basis.”
 2. STRESS

Life demands a lot. As stresses accumulate our resiliency decreases. We begin having less tolerance for everyday life annoyances and when even normal issues arise we might be suddenly negative with our partner. We get misinterpreted (“that’s not what I said” or “you’re twisting my words”).

To avoid stress in the relationship we stop talking about even important matters that need to be tended to but seem too burdensome to deal with. We’re often on edge. Things either blow up or wither.

3. UNRESOLVED PAST ISSUES

The unresolved past will revisit a couple over and over until it gets resolved. You might need to talk about something more than your partner wants to. Your partner tells you “let it go… it’s the past… just get over it”, but you feel the need for more discussion to get it resolved.

Your partner pushes you away. You bury it, but it keeps surfacing in your mind. You can’t let it go and it comes out in a disagreement about something totally unrelated. You’re criticized for not letting it go.

4. SKILLS

We invest heavily in gaining skills for career and yet oddly enough we can assume that we should just magically know how to make a relationship work. Wise people increase their skill base in whatever they do in life.

The same applies to relationships. If what you’re doing isn’t working then it might be as simple as learning some skills in listening, communicating, regulating unpleasant emotion, setting common goals, resolving the past, overcoming hurts/anger, learning trust, recreating intimacy, managing stress, etc.

5. FAMILY OF ORIGIN

No, not everything is the fault of our parents, but we do learn from the home we grew up in. We might find ourselves reproducing behaviours like some of the unhelpful actions we saw modelled or we might go to the opposite extreme to prove that “I am not like my Mom/Dad!”. Neither are helpful. Further, many of us did not get the proper skills in handling conflict growing up.

Understanding how this affects us can be important in consciously and proactively creating the relational environment we desire.

Couples & Marriage Communication Skills, Calgary Counselling Therapy

Dr. Michael Haggstrom and Marcus Pankiw, Clinical Psychotherapists
We help couples thrive. Call Us or Email.

Schedule your FREE PHONE Consult here

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Dr. Michael Haggstrom
& Marcus Pankiw

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